Not sure I need to explain how flirting and passing out flyers are related. Needless to say, I took the flyer. She's with fightmannequinism.org, an organization that advocates getting off the couch. I'm sending my couch to goodwill.
Don't be that guy: Episode 6 (or so)
Today's entry in the "Don't be that guy" category comes from
the blog of one Miss Cayce. Apparently a gentleman wanted her phone number. Looking for a hook, he followed the fairly trusty rule that it's better to ask questions than just talk at someone. But, if the questions aren't working, don't pile more on. Walk away. Not this guy, though. He persisted, even when directly told no to the phone number question. Perhaps, he must have thought, she's scared of me. So he asked her:
“Ohh.. don’t be scared of me. I’m more afraid of you!”
Oh, please. I wasn’t afraid of him – for one thing, he was slightly shorter than I was. I could totally take him on. Anyway, I just found him really annoying!!
He did everything wrong, methinks. So here’s some advice for the guys out there: if you like a girl, don’t rush things man. Take time to get to know the girl and don’t fire off questions like it’s an interview on the VERY FIRST meeting.
Believe me, if an Orlando Bloom look-alike committed the same offense, I would still be turned off, and rather freaked out.
This brings up Rule Number Three, if you're going down in flames, NEVER ask the person why. Either they'll lie, in which case you'll have one more wrong idea in your head, or they'll tell you something that might be true. But you'll never know if it's true. Besides, "Why don't you like me?" is just pathetic.
As if you'll ever see her again.
Men suffer from a variety of gender-specific fallacious mind-loops. One that strikes over and over is the thought that, instead of actually asking a woman for her number, we'll just wait and run into her again.
The first time I remember this happening, it was over eggs. In line at a grocery store, the woman in front of me was lovely, probably Indian, with long black hair, dark eyes, and olive skin. She had no idea how long eggs would last. I told her my story about eggs in the engine room of a submarine. Then the one about cooking eggs with steam from the propulsion system. It wasn't my best story, but you couldn't tell that by her reaction. Looking into her eyes, I felt funny and smart.
It struck me that she wanted to continue the conversation, somehow. But I couldn't come up with the right way to ask her to coffee. Instead, lamely, as she headed out the door, I said that I hoped we would meet up again. She was happy and smiles, but I think she knew the odds weren't happy with my chicken-decision. I could list the other times, and maybe I will, later. But the answer is this: if I don't ask for her number, I will probably never see her again.
Online Dating Service Goes for Demagoguery for Competitive Advantage
As we've
already mentioned, True.com is using the power of
demagoguery and legislation to force other online dating services to place advertisements for it's service on their sites. They claim they want to protect us from predators on the internet, forcing all those convicts off the online services and back into the bars where you can do a MUCH better job of figuring them out. Now the
movement seems to be gaining steam. They've even hired one of
Jeb Bushes' people to push it in Florida. Obviously, if you look to the right, you'll see an affiliate link to Match.com. If you actually clicked on it, and signed up for a membership, I would get a little income. So far, Match hasn't paid me enough for lunch, but it's there. But I don't particularly care if you use them, Yahoo, eHarmony (except for the owner's voice), or if you prefer to meet people in the real world. (that's my preference). And, though I doubt it gives much real protection, I can understand why True.com is marketing itself as the one with Background Checks. Surely, that's a reasonable market niche. But forcing every other internet dating company to carry notice basically telling visitors that, well, they should probably consider going over to True.com is kind of Unamerican and certainly anti-web. If, say, Volvo's are safer, that's great. But we're not forcing every other car manufacturer to put a sticker on the car saying "not as safe as a Volvo."
Round up of other Blogs on Flirting and Dating
This woman tried the
speed dating route, taking quick notes. She blogs on dating a variety of men, all of whom want to get more serious than
she is at the moment.
Meanwhile, this
technically oriented blog reports on Flirt Cards, devices that not only give out your e-mail and mobile number, but have an encoded key to allow the recipient to access an online profile.
Of course we have to mention the provocatively titled:
"Flirt in a Skirt" who admits to having done Naked Pushups.
Free Hair Cuts for Guys
There was this guy, in our office. Good looking, macho, from a culture with strong conservatively religious values. Good-hearted, but always on the verge of being out-of-hand. On a long, long break he wanders by the Hair Salon, and is sucked inside. He’s kind of vain in a young, hip way. So two hours in the hands of a hair stylist isn’t completely out of the question. Cut, dyed, teased, all that. And all for free.
We look at him. A few of his comments have flirted with homophobia, though they could be just heterosexual enthusiasm.
“Free?” we ask.
“Yea,” he says, “two hours of work on my hair, and he didn’t charge me a thing.”
“You know he’s gay, right?” we ask.
He stops, thinks. The implication dawns on him.
We wonder, as he slowly forms a reaction. Will he be angry? Shocked?
“That’s okay,” he says, finally. “I can use him.”
The lovely Sarah digs for cash, while her friend pulls out twenties. Obviously I'm holding the camera and can't reach my wallet.
Gorillas in Middle-aged Lust
This story reports that Ivan, a silver-back gorilla, who grew a bit timid after living in a cage at a store, is starting to get his mojo back. A hot number who goes by Olympia has "caught his eye."
"There have been certain looks between them over the moat," Turton said.
Ivan was transferred from his cage in a store to the Atlanta zoo. Immediately, they started setting him up with a string of women, friends of friends that everyone said were so cute. And they all had personality. Ivan didn't go for that, though. Along comes Olympia:
"As long as he's receptive, it can happen," he said. "He's laid-back, and she's young."
But even if Ivan has no success with Olympia, he has grown so much in confidence that romance is surely just down the path:
"Females used to come over and steal his food, and slap him coming by. He is starting to stand up to them."It's about time, Ivan. And I think, in solidarity, I'm also going to stand up to females who slap me and take my food.
More fun with Craigslist
Once again, because we're bored, we turn to Craigslist for a dose of daily dreams and despair. These, apparently, real people. Just like the person sitting in the cubicle next to you, fingering his or her stapler...
This
woman realizes that most guys have a lot red flags, so she makes some promises up front:
• rearrange your furniture without your consent.
• put potpourri in your bathroom. (But maybe a can of Oust.)
• change how you look. (Just give pointers.)
• use "smilies."
• kidnap anyone.
• make you hold my purse.
I think we should adopt her promises into a "dating bill of rights." Although I could probably use some potpourri in the bathroom.
Meanwhile,
this woman on the redline is looking for the man who said "doorknob" when she farted. Romance is not dead.
Finally, this
woman asks one of those basic questions that plague us all. In her case, why do men ask for her number, but never call her. The answers range from helpful to the standard dumb things that anonymous posters always say. One
answer, which seems likely, is that the guy realizes he was really drunk and doesn't want to find out what he got into. Then you have the standard
chicken-anonymous guy who has to say something mean. Then you get the
guy from marketing, who points out you can only really hope for a 2% conversion rate. We get the woman who suggests
taking it out on other men. That'll certainly solve the problem. Nobody suggests the obvious, the slightly oiled guy who asked for your phone number has a lot more courage than the slightly hung-over guy sitting by himself in front of the phone.
This is Natalie. She advocates clean fresh breath. I was going to do something for the women and post up a picture of Tom, a guy that nine out of ten women think is totally hot. But whenever I point the camera at him, he goes squirmy. Oh, and he's always obsessed with girl #10, (the one who isn't instantly taken with him).
Is it the shoes?
"
Are you aware that most of the women in here probably won't like you?"
My insecurity had just found a new voice. My friend, "L", an attractive, funny, hip, blond woman recently moved up from Florida, had brought both boyfriend and MOM to one of my favorite coffee shops. "L's Mom" scouted the place and came back with the news, above.
Was it my shoes? I can wear other shoes. Once, in Law School, I'd managed to get a lunch date with the most beautiful woman in my class. She's also about the nicest person imaginable, and told me how "excited" she was to be going to lunch with me. Until I showed up with my new shoes. White basketball shoes. I could see her face falling.
But, it turns out that on this day, "L's Mom" had something else in mind.
"No," she said, seeing my distress. "I mean most of them would prefer 'L' (her daughter)."
That's a relief.
Everybody's talking about the Man Date
I was going to ignore this. A woman, who has already shown clever marketing by adding a number to her name, writes an article exploring male insecurity. Men are easy targets, and fodder for humor ranging from Urinal Selection to Not Eating Quiche. We are never quite sure what manliness is, but we’re pretty sure we’re being held up to that standard. But blogs are going to town over this article, other news outlets have picked it up, and Google is chock full of Man Date entries.
First off, though many are calling the author “stupid,” she is in fact quite brilliant. She took an area that seemed well trodden and claimed it, at least for this week. Male insecurity has fueled such a constant stream of humor and analysis that you wouldn’t think anyone could add something fresh. And, well, nobody did. However, by isolating a subset of those insecurities, and re-branding it, the author rises above the clamor. Her use of the term “Man Date” is especially effective, as it echoes with Seinfeldian wit.
Really, though, what’s the big deal?
First, there is the hint of homophobia. Some of the explanations given by her interviewees do sound that way. And it’s true that straight men often try to avoid being seen as gay. Wrapped up in this is the fear that being seen as gay is less manly. The irony, of course, that the more you wrap yourself in symbols of manliness, the more likely you are to come across as gay. The Village People successfully appropriated many manly archetypes, and they won’t give them back.
But a lot of guys really don’t care if the general public thinks we are gay. We may even drag a guy along to a movie or out to dinner without giving it a thought. Still, there are some things that make us uncomfortable, such as:
- Splitting a dessert.
- Umm, I can’t think of anything else except, oh,
- Sharing a paddle-boat. (Who would ever get into a paddle boat if they weren’t trying to get somewhere besides across the water?)
- And, of course, foot-rubs. (See Pulp Fiction for the full explanation.)
These are things that are inherently romantic. Sometimes, when out with a woman friend, we may do them and pretend there is no romantic sub-text. We pretend a lot of things when we’re out with our women ‘friends’.
Unleashing romantic gestures is tantamount to vulnerability, and male on male vulnerability is inherently uncomfortable. The fear here is not becoming Gay, but turning into that 70’s style “sensitive” guy who women toyed with and rejected completely in the 80s. We know what women want. And it’s not for guys to become all sensitive and vulnerable to each other. They want us to be a little stiff and uncomfortable about that whole thing. And they will continue to write teasing articles about it.
The Fallacy of the First Time
In a
previous entry, I described the First Time that I realized girls were transforming into something distant and mysterious, possibly of another species entirely. But college, especially those
Marxist oriented film theorists, taught me that the First Time is a myth. We create that moment, worshipping it as a turning point, when in fact we have been going through a slow change and any number of moments could have served equally well. So, according to this theory, the First Time is really just that moment that captures the broader trend while making a good story.
If so, I should have several different memories of the sudden transcendence of girls, each having the power of being the First Time I was Aware. The spotter scope experience was one, here is another. I have no idea which occurred first, and both memories contain the full change from boy to, well, teenaged boy.
It was a
debate club. Since I could talk I was a debater, so this seemed like a natural place, though the nerd factor was pretty high. I stepped in front of a new judge, a girl who was in the same grade, Pam. Pam, though I had known her for some time, was different. Perky is the word that comes to mind. Not only had she somehow grown breasts, she was wearing a tight t-shirt with bunny ears. The ears were being shoved out into space with a certain authority. In case my still-forming mind could not grasp the subtlety of the rabbit-ear placement, there was also text. “Wiggle your ears if you like what you see.”
I stood there, ready to give my speech, but there was no speech. In my mind, there was nothing left but bunny ears, wiggling ears, and breasts. Oh, and I was aware that Pam was giggling. Then she leaned back, inhaling, letting her chest rise. Her power over me was complete. I don’t think I’ve ever really recovered.
Another
lovely Zendik girl. They may be a cult, but everyone seems to be having a good time. This is Carolyn.
More fun with Craigslist
Sometimes,
as we noted, those missed connections ads actually work. Most people probably realize it's a complete shot in the dark. Still, it's great that they insist on either
describing their ideal fantasy person or a description of "The One" who passed them by the night before. Possibly it's the same thing, you see someone, miss a connection, and apply that long list of perfect characteristics to the departing person whose phone number you failed to get.
For instance, what could be more perfect than a "really cute"
woman fencing with a polka-dot umbrella? The poster was apparently her "recruit" though we have no idea what that means. Heck, I'm already filling out that woman's description with all my ideals, and I didn't even see her.
However,
this guy seems a bit in denial. She ate his cheeseburger, complained about the bacon, then told him to meet her at the falafel place. And stood him up. Dude, give it up.
Someone
should check out this girl, who not only gives her list of assets, but adds a seal of satisfaction.
A more honest submission has apparently been deleted. Fortunately, we have the quote:
“You must hate yuppies, or if applicable, at least hate the fact that you are one,” among other things. She is only posting because: “i am laying in bed hung over and bored.” She admits her chances are slim.
Flirting News Updates
Since 56% of office workers admit to having at least one office romance,
CNN has finally gotten around to doing a somewhat positive story on it, though the usual warnings still apply.
A self-proclaimed
dating coach has declared this to be "healthy dating week." Which I guess rules out Sin City as a date movie.
In Jolly old England, a
group of libertines has invented a new vocabulary for sleeping around. They call themselves"Polys," short for Polyamory, and instead of jealousy they feel: "wibble." While one might think this whole movement would collapse in self-caricature,
this columnist takes a quick pen to the underside and lets the guts out.
In continuing news, yet
another columnist who grew up in the 80's derides today's youth while fondly remembering the 50s. Have we all been implanted with with old Father Knows Best memories? If you really want to get in the old time-machine, you can take this
Dead Celebrity Compatibility test.
In the somewhat twisted but fascinating category comes this
18 year old woman/girl, who pretended to be not one, but TWO 12 year old boys in order to date two young girls.
What happens to men after you say Yes to a date
A friend on Capitol Hill (We can call him Fool on the Hill) reports on that special moment just after a woman has said yes to a date:
“After a couple years of working as a cog in the federal government wheel I thought it was time to get back out in the world of dating. A friend took me to a happy hour where she said there would be women of like interest and views. I put on my ‘A game’ and went for it. A few hours into the evening I had one young lady interested in my babble of nonsense, and had insulted her tennis game—turned out she played in college and I only played in middle school. I conned her into a ride home and found my nerve leaving like rain down a drain. Upon arrival at my driveway, we continued to talk for a few moments, weather in Peru and other topics of note. I then asked her to dinner later that week. She said “Sure.” Before she could add another syllable I got out of the car and ran inside.
On that later date she asked why I ran out of the car like an idiot. I explained that my luck was probably used up just getting to "sure." Anything else would have risked undoing it.
I figured my luck had ran its course and didn’t want to hear what followed “sure.”
Best Dating Venues: Museums
One of the great things about living in a major city is the presence of museums. Often free, always popular, a clear declaration of culture, the museum date is one of the most underrated. Museums require walking, movement, standing, and talking. There is much opportunity for casual touching, for close-in conversation. Yet there is little pressure. If you can’t think of anything to say, just look at the art and put on your contemplative expression. Museum dates work because:
- There are plenty of conversation starters. “Is that art?” “Is that supposed to be something?” “Is that a [insert euphemism]?” are all fine if you don’t know anything about art. Let the other person fill you in, or let them complain about how it’s Not Really Art. Whether you are a novice or an expert, you can comment on what you see, and the other person has a chance to play with your thoughts. It creates a mental game that is often your best chance to create more of a flame.
- The crowd comes and goes. Sometimes you are in the middle of a bunch of people, listening to other’s conversations. Sometimes you are suddenly alone. It creates a kind of private world with just the two of you.
- It’s open ended. Dinners and movies end, and you have to renegotiate if you want more time. Museums go on and on until closing. If things go well, you don’t have to stop and suggest a new venue. If they go really well, there’s often a garden or something nearby.
- If you crash and burn at a museum, at least none of your friends will be around to see it.
Talking about Art is easy: "Note the use of textual elements to create an auditory element. The text is deliberately transformed in shape and direction to integrated into the graphic elements."
Are You Implying That I'm Flirting With You?
She asked, upon hearing where her picture would go.
Yes. Well, I'm hoping. Anyway, Neyci is from
Zendik, and would love for you to buy this bumper sticker. (I did)
Other blogs on Flirting
This
eccentric brainy beauty explains why women are often ambivalent about dating, even when they like the guy. She also likes science fiction.
Speaking of ambivalent, this guy
parodies a conversation wherein his "in the story" self comes off as idealistically naive, while the self telling the story seems cynically pessimistic. Not sure what can be learned from all this.
Queen Helene has spent much of her life trying to pass herself off as low maintenance. She suddenly realizes that she wants more, dammit. Why not be a little High Maintenance? Or at least be honest about it.
A woman who describes herself as
Scheherazade (and subtitles that with "Stay of Execution") worries that she might be too intimidating. Oh, and her blog URL is CivPro (as in Civil Procedure for those who've not experienced that particular torture). Maybe she could hook up with the guy who interprets women as always trying to get away from him.
But cynicism, negativity, and ambivalence don't have to stop anyone from dating. This woman reports happy dating adventures even though her blog is titled
"Tired of Men!" and her URL is Whenawoman'sfedup. And the even more intimidating "
Breakup Babe" is taking a break from blogging, after hinting that she's in a happy dating situation.
A Grand Unifying Theory of Eye Contact
You see someone, your eyes lock. Something flashes. Maybe you get a smile, perhaps enough to justify further interaction. Or you get a subtle warning. Maybe you see someone you don’t want to talk to. But, if your eyes don’t connect, they don’t really see you, do they? No invitation, no lowering of barriers. But you can still deny you ever ignored them. “Oh, I’m sorry, I was off in neverland,” you can claim.
Eye contact is one of the basic flirt methods. We considered developing an exhaustive formula for determining when, how much, and what it all means. But the real world constantly defeats formulas, so we are going to offer up anecdotes, instead. This is one that happened to me:
I was crossing into Dupont Circle about a month ago. Wearing a blue polar fleece and jeans. A man coming the other was dressed in a slightly outlandish fashion, centered around a leather jacket and tight-wound gay hair. It occurred to me he would be a good picture, and I made eye contact. He smiled, I smiled. I’m generally friendly. As he kept going, it occurred to me that he’s probably gay. No big deal, but then it came to me that he probably thought we’d just flirted. Sure enough, a few days later an ad shows up on Craigslist DC, describing me perfectly. Perhaps I wasn’t wearing my dirty white “I’m a straight guy” basketball shoes. Or he didn’t notice.
About Eye Contact, the lovely Diana sez:
Don't stare.
Don't be creepy.
Don't make animal noises.
It's not leg day, yet. Since I called Monday, I'm out.
Sturgeon John called "Tuesday or Wednesday" and I think he's probably got it. He's from Chicago, so hopefully he's picked Illinois in his bracket.
News on Flirting: Optimism and Pessimism
This article takes the postion that
Romance once thrived, with dates and flowers and poems and such. But today's rap-playing kids have lost it. Only problem, the guy grew up in the Free Love era of the 70s but has memories that clearly come from the 50s. Too much television?
On a much more optimistic note, apparently
people in their fifties are not only back in the game, they are having way more fun than they did as teenagers. Not that long ago, people who found themselves widowed or divorced in their fifties would just give up and wait it out.
And, in perhaps on a too optimistic note, this
couple met in a chatroom. After 5 minutes, he proposed. She said yes, so they spent the next 7 hours online arranging a meeting at a bus station.
What would crazy optimism be without an
insane counter-note. This guy decided to test his woman by creating an online persona to flirt with her. The online persona won out, and she broke up with the real guy to be with the cyber-version. He checked out, permanently.
For the ladies: RJD the Masterflirt
Masterflirt: Male Version. Not only is he good looking, he "understands" women. Once, at a beach house, we all played a card-based game about gender differences. Women had to guess what men really thought about something and vice versa. The only person to ace all the questions was RJD, below. The rest of us did poorly.
Oh, and if that weren't enough reason to smack him upside the head, he has his
own business. He's an IT pro who likes to fix computers and networks. A lot of women (and some men) like to break things.
(Should we download that possibly virus-laden screensaver? Well, the worst that could happen is Robert would have to come over and spend the day fixing our computers. Again.)
